Thank you very much. Thank you. Thank you all very much. I'm, I'm so excited to be here. Good evening everybody, ladies, gentlemen, er, Felicity. I'm Jon Stewart and welcome to the 78th Annual Academy Awards. Er, an exciting night, an exciting night.

Tonight is the night we celebrate excellence in film with me the 4th male lead from "Death to Smoochy" rent it. And right now around the world we are being watched by hundreds of millions of people, nearly half of whom are in the process of being adopted by Angenina Jolie. I'm wait listed. It's good stuff.

It is incred...I have to say, it's a little shocking to see all these big names here, these huge stars. The Oscar is really, I guess, the one night of the year where you could see all your favorite stars without having to donate any money to the Democratic Party, and it's exciting for the stars as well. This is er, the first time many of you have ever voted for a winner. Oh, it's good. You enjoy, enjoy your votes. The theme of the award show tonight is a return to glamour and thank goodness because for too long Hollywood has done without.

Definitely this is an improvement over last year's theme 'night of a thousand sweat pants.' Let's face facts. It hasn't been the best year for Hollywood. The box office was, ermmmm, a little bit, down, and piracy continues to be a problem. So let me just say that if there is anyone out there involved in an illegal movie piracy. Don't do it. Take a good look at these people, these are the people you are stealing from, Look at them!! Face what you've done. There are women here who can barely afford enough gown to cover their breasts.

There are a lot really big stars here tonight. It's really exciting. We've got the man Mr. George Clooney, triple nominee. No, Stop it! Stop it! It's you. It's a, it's a terrific night. Two of the nominations for "Good Night and Good Luck", which is not just Edward R. Murrow's sign-off. It's also how Mr. Clooney ends all his dates. Now, I kid because I envy. The cast of Capote, is also with us, a tremendous film, ground-breaking, No! I applaud you. I applaud you. Capote was a ground-breaking film that broke taboos that showed America not all gay people are virile cowboys. Some are actually effete New York intellectuals. It's true. Capote, of course, addressed very similar themes to "Good Night and Good Luck". Both films are about determined journalists, defying obstacles in a relentless pursuit of the truth. Needless to say both are period pieces.

There is also, cartoon drama, farth, I say, farth, I demand satisfaction. All right, Steve Spielberg is here? Sir, a pleasure. We've never met. A Best Director nomination for Munich, a tremendous film and I congratulate you, Sir. From the man who also gave us Schindler's List. Schindler's List and Munich, I think I speak for all Jews when I say "I can't wait to see what happens to us next. Trilogy!

Yeah, I do have some sad news to report, er, Bjork, couldn't be here tonight. She was trying on her Oscar dress and Dick Cheney shot her. Um, glad you hear it. Charlize Theron is here nominated for North Country, a tremendous performance. I congratulate you as well. Have you ever seen the film, it's, it's, it's really wonderful. Er, she plays a woman who is constantly judged on her looks and paid less than her male co-workers. It must be wonderful to be done with that and back here in Hollywood.

I think, er, first time nominee Matt Dillon is joining us, er, a wonderful career. I have enjoyed his work for many many years. I wanted to be him for many many years. He was in Crash, his co-star Sandra Bullock, er, right next to him. Also in Crash Terrence Howard is here. Don Cheadle, Brendan Fraser, er, Ryan Phillipe also from Crash. You, you know what, actually, you know what would be easier? Raise your hand if you were not in Crash! But all the films this year, er, that have been nominated are, are excellent films. They deal with racism, corruption, terrorism, and censorship. It's why we go to the movies, to escape!

I'll tell you the movies that do very well, they're remaked. King Kong, they made that a couple of times, and this time, smash hit. War of the Worlds, remake, tremendous. Walk the line, er, it's Ray, with white people, remakes See, Jimmie, I know. But I have to say I'm from New York and I've been out here a week and I have had a great time. I really mean that. And um, a lot of people say that this town is too liberal, out of touch with mainstream America, an atheistic pleasure dome , a modern day beachfront stardom and camauro. A moral black hole where innocence is obliterated in an endless orgy of sexual gratification and greed. I don't really have a joke here, I er, I just thought you should know a lot of people are saying that. Well, I have been to the parties, there you go. Now you are talking!

Obviously one last thing I want to mention, the elephant in the room. Er, the movie that everybody was talking about this year, of course we are talking about Brokeback Mountain. Er, I have no problems with gay themes. Um, there were a lot of them this year, let's face facts, I mean for god's sakes, the boxing movie was called Cinderella Man, I mean, there is a lot gay themes. I just felt the Brokeback tarnishes the noble western tradition, rugged men, who represent the heterosexual ideal. Um, I'm sorry I just feel like there is nothing remotely gay about the classic Hollywood westerns.

Mind if I look at you Winchester?
It's real pretty.
Nice, awful nice.
Suppose if I tangle with him I'll have to take you all on too.
Oh, I'll have you spread eagle on a wagon wheel.
But remember whatever happens, this is strictly between you and me, and the horse. Right?
I don't know why you thought you had to come in to say goodbye.
Good bye that I have in mind will take a little more room than we have in here.

Yeah, Yeah, that's how they used to make them, not really sure what my point was about that. Er, I'll say this, Charlton Heston is cut. Guylooks like he has been lifting 20 commandments. Um, a lot of times for the Oscars, people aren't quite sure how the presenters come out, how the order's determined, so tonight we're gonna try something a little bit different. Er, we're going to be introducing the presenters in order of how talented they are. No? Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Academy Award winner, Nicole Kidman.